By Louise Hajjar Diamond
Anticipating the arrival of your second child
is a greatly different experience than that of expecting your first baby. Physically, subsequent
pregnancies tend to be far less restful. Intellectually, you’re
well advised and wiser this time around. You’ve experienced childbirth
and mastered diaper changing along with all the other basis of baby care.
Emotionally, you experience daily the profound sensibility and endurance
that come with being a parent.
This time, many of your concerns may still
be largely focused on your first born. Will my child be jealous of the new baby? Will
he or she regress developmentally after the baby arrives? Will my
first child be helpful or will he or she cause harm to my new little one? Whether,
you’re about to adopt or give birth, chances are you have some worries
about how your first child will react to becoming a big brother or sister.
Although no one can predict exactly how your preschooler or school-aged
child will respond to his or her new sibling, it does help to be prepared.
Parental attitude, communication, and presentation of the pending arrival
can make the difference in the first child’s adjustment. Here are
some suggestions for moms and dads to prepare your older child for the
pending family addition.
Teach Safety
Expect that your child will want to touch, hug, or even carry his or
her infant sibling. Lindy Flemke, a registered nurse, who teaches sibling
classes in a hospital, stresses cleanliness and safety to children eagerly
awaiting the birth of a sibling. To teach restraint in order to avoid
injury, Flemke trains children ages two through seven to get mommy or
daddy when the baby cries instead of trying to intervene themselves.
Young children need to understand not to remove the baby from the
bassinet or crib and to touch the baby only with permission. Children can
be given a doll or stuffed animal toy to pretend they caring for a baby. Kids
can learn proper holding technique through parental guidance and practicing
on their doll. Flemke also impresses on older brothers and sisters the
importance of hand washing prior to handling baby to avoid the spread
of germs.
Make change a good thing
Up until this point in your first child’s life, he or she has had
things a certain way. Keep your older child involved and informed with
each step of the process. The life that your child has grown
custom to will most definitely change once your new little one arrives. One
key tactic is to present the baby in an extremely positive light from
your older child’s perspective. If your son or daughter views
the baby as a threat to his or her position in the family or lifestyle,
the more difficult the transition will be.
The goal can be to bestow feelings of empowerment on your child. Your
attitude should be that this new baby would enhance your first child’s
existence. Constantly make statements to your preschooler such as; “you’re
such a lucky boy to be getting a little brother. He is really going
to look up to you. When he gets older, he can play with you.” Reinforce
these statements by offering concrete examples to your child of how great
it will be to have a sibling. Mention things that are important to your
child. For example, you could encourage your child to share toys and
teach his or her siblings things like learning to walk, talk, or read.
Once the baby arrives, always present the
baby as an asset to the family. Don’t
complain (at least in front of your child) about having to change diapers
or get up during the night to care for the baby. Be positive about
the baby’s behavior. Tell your toddler or preschooler that
babies cry sometimes because they can’t talk like he or she can. Remind
your child of his or her developmental accomplishments and inspire your
child to take an interest and pride in the baby’s milestones. Encourage
a feeling that the baby is your child’s baby too.
Focus on the First Child
Kathleen Byrne, R.N. suggests that parents should keep their first child
the focal point of the transition. Byrne, a nurse educator, offers
sibling classes in a hospital. Coral The course includes a video which is
presented to children ages three through nine which encourages them to explore
their range of emotions they may be experiencing about the new baby. Children
who participate also draw pictures of what their new family will look
like with baby. Byrne notes that children expecting a new sibling
may feel excited, insecure, unsettled, and angry all at the same
time. Open communication and keeping children involved leads to positive
feelings and anticipation.
Upon your new baby’s homecoming from the hospital, present your
child with a special gift. It may be helpful to keep a stashed supply
of “big brother/sister” gifts around. Byrne suggests
that these are handy when young children may feel left out when friends
and family members bring or send presents for the new baby. These
small gifts will encourage a pleasant association towards the new little
one.
Make sure your first child has outside interests
or activities. These
may include preschool, gym classes, regular play dates or visits to grandma’s
house. If your child is home all day watching mommy tending to the baby’s
every need instead of focusing on him or her, resentment could development.
Try to keep your child’s routines and maintain special one on one
time with him or her. Byrne advocates that parents leave the baby
with a sitter and enjoy an outing with just your first child.
Resources are at hand
Sibling classes are available in most hospitals. Classes usually
include a hospital tour so your child can know what to expect when you’re
in the hospital giving birth. Byrne explains that “seeing where
mom will stay overnight” will relieve insecurities. Sibling
classes “give the parent something to do just for the older child
to prepare for the baby,” Byrne affirms.
There are a number of children’s books
that teach kids the joys of being a big brother or sister with colorful
pictures and age appropriate language. Here are a few titles for toddlers
and preschoolers our family found to be helpful in preparing our son
for the recent birth of his sister. What’s
Inside by Jeanne Ashbe explains in simple terms why mommy’s
tummy is getting bigger. I’m a Big Brother (Sister) by
Joanna Cole and The New Baby by Mercer Mayer illustrate to young
children what to exact once the baby arrives while teaching them appropriate
sibling behavior.
Adding a new baby to the family is a blessing.
Maintaining a positive attitude and open dialogue with your older child
will help to promote a successful transition. Trust your instincts and let your child
guide you as to what he or she needs. Staying informed connected,
and learning what to expect may aid the passage for your first child
from being the only child to becoming a big brother or sister.
(© 2006) Louise Hajjar Diamond is a guidance
counselor, freelance writer, and mother of two.
